The Ridiculous Archetypes of Shadowrun

Recently I found a copy of the very first edition of Shadowrun at Atlantis Games & Comics, located conveniently at Oceanview in Norfolk, VA.

Shadowrun, of course, is a Tabletop RPG set in a world of Cyberpunk Fantasy. I have previously discussed my thoughts in both blog and podcast form. Anyway, I decided to put down the $10 for the book to see how it compares to more recent editions.

I’ve only skimmed through it so far, but the full-color pages on character archetypes caught my eye. I will now look through the illustrations of these archetypes and comment on them in an immature fashion. Why? Because the world is a wonderful place.

Burned-Out Mage

I have no idea what’s up with this guy’s pants. It looks like he got some bellbottoms, stuffed the bottoms into combat boots, and then hired a hippy to decorate them. The only thing he’s got going for him is that his balls are apparently gigantic. Actually, that might be a sign of serious medical condition, so maybe not. Also, nothing says “badass” like wearing a fishnet shirt.

Decker

This lady is a Decker, which is a fancy Shadowrun word for a hacker. What concerns me about her is that her cyberdeck clearly has a shoulder strap that she’s not using. I’m pretty sure those things are expensive. What happens if she drops it? I’ll tell you what: that phone cord up there will pop out of her head, and then she’ll just look like an idiot. Wear your shoulder straps, kids.

Detective

It’s amazing that, despite having the most obnoxious tie in the universe, this guy is the sanest dresser in the book. I should note that this game came out in 1989, and if there’s one thing comics have taught me, it was that nobody knew how to draw guns in the 90’s. We see the beginnings of this cultural malady here, with that bizarre thing in his hand.

Elf Decker

An Elf Decker! Because Elves can’t be normal Deckers. Only the Elves possess the ancient wisdom necessary to use a shoulder strap properly. His phone cord won’t be popping out of his head, I can tell you that!

Former Company Man

So… are those things supposed to be guns or bar-code scanners? Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t mock a man’s firearms, especially when he’s wearing parachute pants. I should mock those.

Former Wage-Mage

I’m gonna level with you guys: I have no idea what the fuck this woman is wearing. It looks like every bad 80’s fashion trend collided with a futurist art expo and produced a woman being eaten alive by a dress made out of a coral reef. I like that she’s called a “former wage-mage” though, because that means a ridiculous tongue-twistery term like “wage-mage” exists and is commonplace.

Gang Member

You know what they say about a guy with big hands, right? Because I don’t. People always say “you know what they say”, but they never actually say anything. I think it has to do with penis size though. So I must assume that this fellow has either a very large or a very small penis.

Merc

The merc comes loaded with all the bullets in the world. I’m not even sure if that weapon of his is belt-fed. Dude just likes bullets. Also asymmetrical shoulder pads, because who would criticize the fashion choices of a man with so many bullets?

Ork Mercenary

Ah, the Ork Mercenary, for when mercs of other races just won’t cut it. They have more pouches than a Rob Liefeld character and look like Ganondorf fucked a Gamorrean, so it’s a good thing they’re so good at mercin’.

Rigger

Look at that horrific alien thing. I had no idea Benedict Cumberbatch was in this book!

Rocker

In the Cyberpunk future of 2050, glam metal has made a comeback and Jem and the Holograms is a cultural touchstone. This is the future of women rockers. Somewhere out there, Lzzy Hale is cursing herself for not thinking of this look first.

Shaman

This is the most overdesigned Native American outfit I’ve ever seen. Is this even supposed to be a Native American, or is it a white guy in redface? I’m honestly not sure which would be worse.

Street Mage

One day, this dapper gentleman entered a hat shop and demanded they sell him Yen Sid’s hat. Since they had no Wizard hats in stock, they dyed a normal hat blue and glued a bunch of stars on it. Another satisfied customer!

Street Samurai

One night, Wolverine had an orgy with the guys from G.I. Joe, and they produced the ugliest baby ever. Now he’s all grown up and going through a weeaboo phase, insisting everyone call him a samurai and murdering anyone who refuses.

Street Shaman

The Street Shaman is different from the regular Shaman in that he wears a trenchcoat and isn’t Native American. I’d call Cultural Appropriation, but I’m more concerned with the tensor symbol on his outfit. Is he expecting a visit from the Slender Man or something?

Tribesman

In the future, Native Americans will use bows and arrows. Maybe it’s a retro thing? Regardless, this guy ain’t shooting anyone because he’s accidentally drawn is bag instead of his bow. You know, I’m starting to feel like this game may not be the most racially sensitive.

Well, I am sure glad for these archetypes! I can use this game to play anyone from David Bowie to David Bowie! Endless possibilities!